My mama.

It's been 10 years since my mama died and I miss her.

I miss my mama.

I miss her friendship.

I miss our conversations.

I miss her wise advice.

I miss her godly guidance.

I miss her stories.

I miss her adventures.

I miss her fun plans.

I miss hanging out together.

I miss laughing together.

I miss staying up late at night talking.

I miss making things together.

I miss how she lived her life.

I miss how she followed Jesus Christ.

I miss how she believed in me.

I miss how she encouraged me.

I miss how she loved me.

I miss my mama.

She was my biggest cheerleader.

No matter what happened or what I did, she loved me, believed me, encouraged me.

She was a wonderful mom, a special person, the best friend I've ever had. I miss her.

I still want to know what she thinks about things.

I still want to ask her advice on my wardrobe, my front room furniture arrangement, my job, parenting.

I still want to pray together, discuss our growth in our Christian walks as we learn to be more like Jesus.

I have worked through my grief and the plan of God in my life over the past decade, but I still miss her.

I thank God for all the wonderful memories I have. But I still miss her.

It just makes Heaven that much sweeter to have her there. But until then, I'll miss her.

March 3, 2001—March 3, 2011

Ten years without a mother.

Pepper Love

 

The Gift.

THE QUEST.

I struggle with parenting my teenagers. I wish I could talk to my own mom about raising teenagers. I think she did a good job. After all, we turned out pretty good. J We are well adjusted adults with great relationships. We love Jesus and depend upon Him for our salvation and our daily life. We are open, unpretentious, un-materialistic, loving people who strive to follow Christ in all we do. The rearing of another soul is a big responsibility. How do you do it? How did my mama do it?

I remember my mama and her patient counsel through our teen years. She seemed to do a good job. Even as a teen I think I thought she was a good mom. My friends would come over and spend hours talking with my mom. She was special. I miss her insight. I wish she was around for me to ask questions: questions about how I behaved as a teen, and how she dealt with it. I know she wasn't "perfect" but she was great!

I know the biggest reason that my mom was a great mom was that she turned to Jesus for help and guidance. She read her Bible every night; she meditated on the Scriptures; she prayed for us relentlessly. Before my mama died she said "don't make me into a saint" and I don't mean to! I know of her imperfections, her insecurities, her fears, her failures…but she was a wonderful example of one who had spent her life following God. She turned to him in repentance for her sins and she turned to Him for His guidance in her daily experiences. She was an example to me of one who is mature in the Lord. As she had depended on Him and submitted to His will, He had been working on her, changing her from the inside to make her more like Him.

I know I presented her with a fair share of parenting challenges. I was a willful, loud, selfish, Christian teen. I was insecure. I have a daughter who is a lot like me…and I want to know, "Mom, what did you do?"…"How did you deal with me?"

I know I felt loved by her. I don't think my teen daughter thinks I'm FAIR, or EMPATHETIC, or LOVING, or SUPPORTIVE.

I know she always believed in me and wanted the best for me. My daughter thinks I don't care about her, or want to talk to her. I think the main message my teen gets from me is "Really?"; "So what?"; "You're being selfish/rude/mean". Not very helpful parenting messages. I feel like a lousy parent. And then I feel guilty over our lack of relationship, so I make up for it by not being as consistent in discipline, or by giving in on one of her demands. Not very good parenting boundaries.

My mom always had time to talk with me, to listen and give loving guidance, wise counsel and prayer. I don't have that kind of time for my teen. And I know she wants MORE of me. She wrote me a letter asking me for time together. This is good news: she wants to be with me and talk with me. Even if it is just to register some complaints, we could spend some bonding time together. But I don't feel there is any more of me to give. I am tired. After work there is so much to do (homework, cleaning, cooking, laundry, music lessons, drama, dinner…and before you know it it's bedtime). I feel like the mom in "The Mom Song" by anita renfroe with me so busy correcting the children all the time, with just a "don't forget I love you and tomorrow we will do it all again…" at bedtime.

My mom would have sweet times with us girls at bedtime. And maybe I'm the one being selfish here. But teen bedtime is often 9:30 and I'm tired. Also I'd like a little time with my husband after the kids are in bed. My mom didn't have a husband to talk with after kid bedtimes. This meant she could spend that time with us girls and our concerns. This was beneficial to us as teens, but would not be ideal for me to not have any quality time with my husband. My mom didn't have the support of a husband.

So, should I ask "W.W.M.D.?" "What Would Mama Do?" Or more specifically, "What DID you do, Mom?" I have a daughter struggling with the teen issues. Most of which are standard "teen tendencies" but how do I guide her heart to Jesus? How can she see past herself and those dang "ingrown eyeballs"? What's a mama to do? What did my mama do?

THE GIFT.

Recently, I was straightening up my room and I came across the box of my diaries. And I pulled out my first diary: Age 13 to 17 (ahhh, the teen years). I opened it to read of my crushes, my questions about life, my friends and activities amid the messy handwriting and the "Dear Diary" format. What I found within its pages was a letter: a letter from mom to the teen me. In fact, sandwiched between many of the pages were these letters from my mama. Letters which were lovingly, prayerfully written to a teen who was acting out. I cried. What a gift, a beautiful gift from my Mama. And a beautiful gift from God: for is was indeed God who had her write to me and He who had me keep the letters. So here in my mama's beautiful handwriting was the parenting advice I was seeking. Here was my mama dealing with my selfishness, insecurities, "teen tendencies". Leading me to God for repentance and help in my struggles.

I opened the letter and read. Ouch. It was very heart wrenching. The words of my mom. I miss her so much. The actions of the teen me. I was so mean to others, so selfish, and such an unkind brat! It was hard to read about how rotten I had been to my mom and my sisters. It was too much. I put the letters away. Praising God for this answer to my heart's desire.

It has been a month or two and I am ready to read these "lessons from my childhood". I will have to confront my inner brat. But it will be good for me to be humble as I deal with and direct my teenage daughter.

THE GOAL:

I would like to read and process and journal about these letters on my blog. I'm not sure how that will go. But, I process really well when writing/blogging. J I like the idea of "Lessons from My Childhood". I haven't read them in about 30 years. So I do not know what all they contain. But I am ready. R U?

PepperLove    

Beyond First Grade. And back.

I’m a teacher. I’ve taught first grade for ten years now. At the end of each school year I tell the kids that they get to go on to second grade, but I have to stay in first grade for another year. And we all laugh at that. (Don’t worry if you don’t get it, it’s a first grade joke.) I think that in some way it teaches that some things change and some things stay the same.

Well, the other day I was in an afterschool knitting club and one of my former students asked me sincerely, “Mrs. Love, have you done all the grades or just first grade?” I answered her honestly, that I had indeed done all the grades (and then some), but now I choose to stay in first grade teaching first graders.

It brought a funny visual. Of a 6 year old in first grade, staying in first grade until she knew it so well she could become the teacher. Surely that’s not what she thought actually happened. ? I’ll never know.

I am thankful for all my years of schooling. I am thankful for homework and for all the help my mom gave to me. I think my mom was my best teacher, especially in how to write. I am thankful for all the lessons and experiences of high school (both public and private schools), for my college and “then some” years. And I am thankful for first grade. I loved first grade the first time through (God bless Mrs. Kidder) and I love it still!!!

Pepper Love

My Blog...

I think I have a lot to say on my blog. But really not a lot of time to gather my thoughts, edit and publish on my blog. And then I wonder, who would want to read this blog? I know I am random, so I wonder, "Would I ever have a following?" If I had one topic of interest, I think my blog would have more appeal. But nope. I am random in my interests; and random in my entries.

And then I consider...maybe this blog is just my blog. Just a place to sort my thoughts, to vent, to express. Blog about it and ahhh I feel better now. I am willing to share it with the great big world wide web. But if noone cares I'm okay with that.

Pepper Love

Oh To Declutter the Stuff

I want to declutter...to simplify my life. I've read many books on the subject. I don't need to become more spiritual as some of these books assert (especially when the spirituality being offered is a Godless spirituality).

I do have too much stuff. I have purged my kitchen, bathroom, linen closet... I have done fairly well with the stuff. I still feel like I have stuff in my house that I don't need. But what really bothers me is the papers! Paper comes into my house everyday: from the kids' school, from the workplace, in the mailbox. It piles up. I try to process it immediately, but there are still pending papers. Processing, piling pending papers.

I just want a clean, clear space to live. But apparently, I love my stuff more. I don't feel like I love my stuff. I think I hate the paperwork. But... why can't I release it? What is up with the piles of papers?

I am positively pissed about the piles of paper. Sorting, stacking, shifting, and stressing sucks.

PepperLove

The Silver Bullet

I am always looking for “the silver Bullet” for my life. And I am not referring to the calling card of the Lone Ranger or the weapon of choice for eradicating oneself of any werewolves, or witches. By “silver bullet” I mean a simple guaranteed solution for a difficult problem. In my quest to “simplify my life” I often find myself urgently seeking the one foolproof method…what is the secret? What can I do that would automatically solve this problem for me?

When I was a new “housewife”…newly married, with a few babies, I kept asking all my friends with clean, uncluttered houses what was “the trick” to keeping house? How did they do it? They would give me a few tips, but not the Big Solution I was looking for. How did they keep their house clean with little kids and all the other jobs we moms do? I asked “seasoned” housewives with grown kids how they did it when their kids were little. Again, many tips, no One Solution. Well, I finally found the “trick” or so-called “silver bullet”. No one told me this. I figured it out on my own. It’s…(take a deep breath)….hard-work. Yep that’s it. My friends with cleaner houses—well, they cleaned their homes more than me. It was a “duh” moment for me.

So …they worked hard…harder than I was working. Apparently, when dinner was over (yes, after they had shopped, prepared and cooked, served, and eaten dinner) they got up and kept working until their kitchen was clean. Duh, that’s why they don’t have dinner dishes in the sink in the morning. And after the kids had spent the afternoon playing and thoroughly trashed the playroom, they went in and sorted and cleaned the whole room. (Some of them also incorporated the preschool kids in the task, which was genius, training them to clean their rooms…but also was way more work than just doing it.)

I also at times find myself looking for that “silver bullet” for living the Christian life. How do I serve Christ? What should I do to be more like Christ? I asked all my friends, “How do you live life as a Christian?” As before, they would give me a few tips, but not the Big Solution I was looking for. I asked older and wiser Christians, “How do I live the Christian life?” They answered my questions. I can’t now recall their answers. I know they encouraged me to pray. (I wanted a prayer schedule. Do you keep a list of requests? How much time should I pray? Oh, should I incorporate “fasting”? When? For how long? What is the prayer program for fasting?) They also encouraged me to read the Bible. (How many chapters a day? Should I read it cover to cover? Once through each year?)
I read the gospels, I wanted to take notes and make a list of all the commands of Christ (they’re in red, you know). Oh yeah, and I read the epistles: lots of good notes of what to do, or what not to do, how to treat others (your neighbors, your enemies). But is living the Christian life consist of being able to keep all the rules? Or, is it more than that? What is the “Silver Bullet” here?

Well, I think I’ve found the answer. My quest has changed from “What would a Real Christian do?” It’s not even “What Would Jesus Do?” It’s WAY more personal. It’s “What would Jesus want ME to do here, now?” And there is not just one answer for that. I think the Christian life is like Nike’s slogan “Just do it”. Don’t stress or obsess. Just do it. Just read the Bible. Just pray. Just be encouraged at church by a message…and follow Jesus. Like when Jesus said to his disciples, “Follow Me.” That’s all He wants from me: for me to follow Him. As I live my life Jesus speaks to me (in His quiet way inside me) and He directs my decisions and actions.

So, I guess, there is no silver bullet to life’s challenges. Nevertheless I still like to find the best way to do things. And you can tell me is “finding a better (easier) way” laziness? Or ingenuity!!?

PepperLove

This is my blog...

It was tough to choose my blog name because all my names are taken.
Interestingly there is another "Pepper Love" blog. That is not me. This one is me. There is even a "random girl" blog. That is not me. This is me.
I am "Red Pepper Love". I have a blog!! So now here I am, like Harriet the Spy, furtively scribbling in my notebooks where ever I am...watching TV, making dinner, sleeping, when at a red light, while brushing my teeth.

I have a lot to say, but I don't know if it's worth listening. Wondering, can I express myself through these random entries? Not sure if anyone will get the full picture.

Just wondering. Wondering and writing.